Content Note
Please be aware that this book discusses the topic of suicide which could trigger certain readers.
A Breathless Place is a romance and has a guaranteed happy ending.
Chapter 1
Iโll be dead in six months. In 183 days to be exact. I canโt wait. But for now, the prospect alone brings me adequate comfort.ย
I stare at my computer screen. The cursor blinks mockingly on the white background of the Word document. Itโs supposed to be the first of many. If this is the speed Iโm going to be working at, I might have to add a few days to my very last calendar. I donโt want to do that. Iโve chosen the date carefullyโas carefully as these things can be chosen.ย
One day after my sixtieth birthday, I will say my final goodbye. It turns out, if you want to die, thereโs a lot you need to take care of. And I want every last thing to be taken care of. My perfectionist streak will continue until my very last breath. The only problem is Iโm not used to sorting out every little thing myself. I have people for that. My personal assistant Daisy handles all my administration. My chef Rian cooks most of my meals. Harry takes care of my home here in New York. My manager Ira has made sure every single one of my needs has been met for the past thirty-five years. But I havenโt told him my greatest need yet.
How do you tell someone something like that? If there is an acceptable way, I havenโt found it yet. And Iโve had years to think this through. Itโs been nearly a decade since the thought first crossed my mind. Furtively at first, as though it was afraid to become a full-grown idea, the inkling of such a possibility would creep up on me in unguarded moments. It took months before it dared to linger for more than a fleeting second. Before I dared to grasp it and examine it further. It took years until I became certain it was what I wanted. But my own certainty is just that. My own. Itโs not something I can easily inflict upon others. Thatโs what Iโm trying to explain in this letterโthe first of many.
Dearest Ira, I type. Before I continue this letter, I need to decide whether I will tell him beforehand or not. It will determine what I write. Iโve been going back and forth on this. If I tell him ahead of the time, I donโt need to write him a letter. But he will try to talk me out of it. Oh, how he will try. Ira might know me best of all, but he will still try, with all his might, with all the power he has over me, to change my mind. Thatโs not a conversation I want to have. So I need to write this letter. But I guess I donโt need to write it today. Although thatโs what I told myself yesterday as well. And the day before. I canโt keep on postponing it.
I click out of the Word document and check the list I made of people who need to receive a letter on March 19, 2021. With the life I have lived, I figured there would be more, but there are only a few names on my list.ย
Maybe I should start by writing one joint letter to all of them. I can add personal touches later on, once Iโve gotten down the gist of what I want to say.
My phone rings. Itโs my private number. The one only a handful people haveโthe number Daisy doesnโt screen for me. Speak of the devil. Itโs Ira.
โIzzy.โ He sounds out of breath. โI just got word Bruce fell off his horse.โ
โWhat?โ Bruce is the biographer Iโve been working with for the past two years on my final projectโalthough, of course, Bruce doesnโt know it is my very last professional endeavor.
โItโs bad. Heโs in a coma.โ
โOh no.โ On a really bad day, I would have considered Bruce a lucky son of a bitch. โIs he going to be all right?โ
โI donโt know. Itโs too soon to tell. Butโฆโ I know Ira. The cogs in his brain are ever-turning. Business always comes first. Thatโs why I pay him his fifteen percent. โI spoke to the publisher. They have a replacement in mind already.โ
โAre you kidding me?โ
โThe book was as good as done, Izzy. All the source material is there.โ
I huff out some air, making sure Ira hears my exasperated sigh on his end of the line. โWho are they suggesting?โ
โLeila Zadeh.โ He sounds as though that name should impress me.
I rack my brain. Iโve heard the name before, but thatโs the only bell it rings.
โShe writes a lot for The Metropolitan,โ Ira says.
โBruce really canโt be replaced. Not this late in the day.โ
โI know. Youโre right.โ The last one is Iraโs favorite sentence. โBut just meet with her. See how you get along. No pressure.โย
No pressure? Yeah right. โI donโt know, Ira.โ I was never totally on board with the whole biography thing, anyway. To have someone delve deep into my life like that. I only went along with it because of my own secret plan. Because by the time my biography is released into the world, I will be long gone. Ira sold me on the idea of leaving a different kind of legacy.
But Bruce was such a likable man. Easy to talk to. Unassuming. Never pushy, although his hands-off approach seemed to work in the end. Poor Bruce. โWhich hospital is Bruce in? Is he getting the best care possible?โ
โOf course.โ Iraโs voice is calm. โWe can go see him as soon as itโs allowed.โ
โSend me a dossier on thisโฆ. Whatโs her name again? Then Iโll decide.โ
โComing your way right now.โ A silence falls. โAre you okay, Izzy?โ Ira asks after a while.
โAll the time I spent with Bruce and I never knew he rode horses.โ
โHm.โ I can hear Ira swallow. โIt was his job to find out everything about you. Not the other way around.โ
A minute after weโve rung off, I get a reminder on my cell phone for my workout. Itโs hot instructor time in my virtual gym. Ramonaโs the only reason I still show up every day. Ramona and the addictive blend of endorphins and arousal she elicits from me.
After the news about Bruce, I need the distraction. On my computer screen, I get a notice Iโve received a new email. Itโs from Ira and the subject reads Leila Zadeh.
That will have to wait until after Ramona has made me sweat and forget.
